this is lyrical combat gentlemen hold your pistols

“What’s wrong?” is such an awkward question to ask someone. I feel stupid when I’m asked this, for much of the time I don’t know, & when I do, I struggle to match words to emotion.

My boyfriend has been asking me this a lot lately, on my down days, & I never know what to say. We’re in this weird rut where I feel like I just can’t talk to him anymore. So what do you do when you’re in a weird rut? Write to your tumblr about it.

Things have changed a lot since we started dating. It’s been 9 months today, actually… I just saw the date. I’m a very sentimental person & I cherish every little milestone along the way that most shrug off, because how do you get to a year, ten years, fifty years without the three months, six months, nine months in between? Every day should be a reason to celebrate love. Anyway, if you’re wondering how were spending this special (to me, at least) day, he’s sitting on the couch playing Skyrim & I’m wrapped up in a blanket at the other end of said couch writing this post.

Six months ago today we were likely snuggled up in his old room, just the two of us, holding each other tightly, kissing passionately, not caring about a single thing other than the happiness we felt being with one another. We talked endlessly about our lives, our past, our future hopes & dreams, our values & fears, our goals & wants, alongside any other little thing that popped into our minds. We had lots of sex, really spontaneous, hot, passionate, desire-ridden sex, all day & all night, almost daily. It was fantastic. I felt sexy, beautiful, desired, important, & like no other woman could ever fulfill my man the way that I did.

Things have changed a lot as the half-year took its toll. Our fiery love flame, like others before it, has simmered down to burning embers, the bare essentials of energy needed to emit heat. Most do. But is it so wrong to not be okay with it? We have sex maybe a few times a week or a month, & it no longer satisfies me. There’s no long kisses, tracing his fingers lightly along my curves, gentle caresses bringing me to the bursting point where I could die waiting for him to touch me there. Our sex is quick, routine, & almost instantly after finish he rushes back to his video games or whatever else had his attention before I managed to lure it back onto me for a brief moment.

Sure, I’m no angel. I’ve done nothing major in an attempt to put the spark and fully ignite our flame again. I don’t know what to do to get things back the way I want them. It’s hard to put forth the effort when I don’t feel sexy & desirable to him anymore.

More detrimental to me than the lack of sex is the lack of general intimacy. I feel like less of a girlfriend & more of a roommate. I’m welcome basically whenever I please, I cook & clean, I spend time in the same general vicinity as my boyfriend, BUT IT’S JUST NOT THE SAME. I hate the monotony of it all so badly I just want to scream. I have, however, no idea what.

I want romance. I want flowers sent to my work on a random Thursday for no reason. I want to walk in the door to him unexpectedly pulling me in his arms, slamming me up against the wall & kissing me hard. I want to spend a majority of the day together in bed, relaxing, talking, fucking. I want to be more desirable to my man than FUCKING VIDEO GAMES.

Is that too much to ask?